Anonymous / Sep 01, 2007

A lady libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
MGen George R.  Pearkes
Bldg. 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent  letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda  terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the  Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in  Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in


You will be pleased to learn thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in
Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud  (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.  It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate  with  those you so strongly recommend in your  letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.  Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.  We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.  He is also expert at  making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so  you may wish to keep those items locked up,  unless (in your opinion) this might  offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and religious beliefs" as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern.  We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.   You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we'll be watching.

 Good luck and God bless you.

Gordon O'Connor.

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